Today marks my 5-year wedding anniversary. I’ve been blessed to be married to a man who I can honestly say loves God. Our moments together are full of jokes, deep conversations, and companionable silences. I love my husband, and I love our relationship because we’re actually friends. That being said, the days leading up to our anniversary we were in a huge disagreement (we talked about it so everything’s good now 🙂 that made me come to a very serious realization: I had begun to lose myself in trying to be a good wife and getting my husband’s approval. It happened so gradually and subtly that I didn’t realize the full extent of its impact until that fight, which led me to do some serious soul-searching and praying. I realized that I had become so focused on getting my husband’s approval, even in the minor things, that I had begun to lose that spark that makes me who I am: my love for Christ.
My husband always said that one of the most attractive qualities about my character was how I go all in for God. And that’s who I’ve always strived to be. Ever since my decision to make Jesus the Lord of my life and best Friend, my top priority has always been to please Him in everything. But you know how it goes when you get married. You have wifely duties to do and a new set of expectations to consider-your husbands’s. There’s breakfast to cook, laundry to wash, and when I had my daughter morning devotion time just stopped altogether. My new priorities were my daughter, getting in a nap to alleviate sleep deprivation, and my household-in that order. I wanted to spend time in prayer, study the Word like I used to, but whenever I did, I felt like I was just going through motions, to check an item off my to-do list, to alleviate my guilt. My drive to wake up in the morning was gone. I felt like my life had no solid purpose or direction. I was doubting my career choice, doubting decisions I had made that I felt convicted to do at the time. My joy in God’s presence had slipped away and I was drowning.
Things only got worse when my maternity leave ended. I went back to work, so now I had to juggle lesson planning, grading, and all the other minutia that comes with being a teacher along with taking care of my daughter in the evenings when I got home and on the weekends. I just felt overwhelmed. I wanted to be a good wife-cook nice dinners for my husband, keep the house clean, keep the romance alive between us- and a good mother and teacher. I didn’t know how to do all that in one day while making time to have quality time with the Lord. Any quiet moments I had, I just wanted to rest-I didn’t want to think or talk or do anything except sleep or watch TV to take my mind off things. My husband did his best to free up extra time for me during the week, but I was just too into my feelings to discipline myself to wake up early or take time after work to pray. I became more and more dependent on him to do things, instead of depending on God and going to Him for the strength and endurance I needed. I felt like my relationship with my husband became focused on him trying to coach and motivate me to be the kind of person I wanted to be, but that only helped temporarily. I started waking up every morning with dread at the prospect of going to work, because every day I felt like I needed more time to get everything done. I was running on fumes. My prayers became focused on me having the will to go to work and time to do it all. I was using God instead of being with God.
Don’t get me wrong. I prayed still. I listened to sermons and went to church. But my deep yearning, my soul-hunger just wasn’t satisfied by surface rituals. I compare it to just having text-message conversations with with one of your friends all year long. No calls, no meeting up to hang out, just text messages. There’s only so much you can say and really get into like that.
This whole experience was put into perspective for me when I studied the account of Martha and Mary during one of Jesus’ visits. Martha was the woman who wanted to be the Proverbs 31 virtuous woman: she wanted to make sure the house was clean, the food was cooked and the table set just so when guests came over. She wanted to make sure that Jesus was comfortable and satisfied when He came over. Mary, on the other hand, seemed like the antithesis. While Martha was doing all the hustling, she sat with Jesus, her attention fixed on His every word, eagerly asking Him questions that haunted her, listening intently to His responses, and lost in thought as she pondered over their meaning. She was oblivious to Martha’s rapid steps in the background, going back and forth through their home as preparations were being made. Guess which one Jesus commended? Mary. Which shows me something that I think every woman needs to internalize: it’s better to drop everything else and sit at Jesus’ feet, than to drop Jesus on the backburner and try to take care of everything else. At the end of the day, more than being a Proverbs 31 woman, Jesus wants us to be His daughters. He wants us to sit at His feet and in His presence, and take joy in His company. The cleaning, the cooking, the hubby, and even the fussy baby can wait for a few minutes while I sit at His feet. Because that is what is going to fuel me naturally into being that Proverbs 31 woman.
Now I realize that the first need that needs to be met every day is my need for Christ. My salvation, my friendship with Jesus, is my oxygen. And when I forget that, sooner or later, I’m running on fumes. And sooner or later, I end up using other things/people to compensate for the emptiness I feel inside. It might be TV shows one day, romance novels another day, food the next. But the cycle always comes back to the same place: that feeling that I’m losing a piece of myself, that I’m missing something in my life.
I think every woman struggles with this, because it just seems like it’s our job as nurturers to balance everything with our relationship with God. We want to make sure our kids feel loved, our husbands feel appreciated, and (especially if you’re of Caribbean background like me) the house is clean and there’s always food on the stove. But those things, while good in themselves, won’t make our home a happy one for us because there will always be that feeling of inadequacy, of constantly trying to measure up to a standard and falling short. Instead, Jesus invites us to spend time with Him and let Him keep everything in balance for us.
Prov31lady4life 
Thanks for the article !