5 Things You Absolutely Must Have In Any Friendship

Have you ever had to mentally demote someone in your circle from friend to say….associate or acquaintance? Or maybe even less than that? I have. In fact, it’s one of the reasons why I’ve kept my circle of friends very small through the years. I don’t like being hurt or disappointed by people I trust. So I developed a defense mechanism: cut them off before they get a chance to hurt me again.

I have to say, that method hasn’t really made friendship easier for me. In fact, if friendship is anything like marriage, you really have to work at it and be intentional about keeping it alive. So what are some criteria for a healthy friendship that helps make both parties better people?

1. Vulnerability. You need to be able to bare your soul to your friends, and for it to go both ways. If one person is always pouring their hearts out and the other is the sage on the stage, they’re more like a coach or mentor than a friend. I once had someone that I took for a close friend shut me out of her life for a whole year when she went through some hard times. When we finally talked, she explained that she doesn’t “like telling people her business.” That felt like a slap in the face because I had no problem telling her my “business.” Needless to say, that friendship deteriorated into a very surface interaction. In a genuine friendship, you can let down your walls and express your thoughts and feelings freely.
2. Trust. Friendship is beautiful when both people know that the other person has their best interests in mind. That means that I won’t make light of your concerns, bash your dreams, or share what you’ve told me in confidence with others. It means I can give you inside access to my thoughts without worrying about being looked at differently.
3. Honesty. It’s important for friends to be transparent about everything. If I have an issue with something you said or did, I can approach you calmly and we can talk it out. Our sisterhood (or brotherhood) is strengthened every time we’re candid with each other about things. In other words, we have to be able to be REAL. I shouldn’t be worried that you’ll give me the cold shoulder for telling you that you were wrong for blowing up on the cashier at the store or that I think the guy you’re dating isn’t a person that will enhance your character. I like to think of friends as accountability partners. If your friends can’t tell you the truth in love, then who can?
4. Communication. Yes, there are some people that you can go without talking to for 6 months but pick up right where you left off, but is that the pattern you want to establish with all your friends? What if your spouse went a whole year without talking to you? Wouldn’t that be a problem? It should be! In this age of technology there’s absolutely NO EXCUSE for not staying in touch with the people who matter most. There are voice notes, instant message, video chats, and the list goes on. If you love someone, make time to communicate with them (preaching to myself here 😅) regularly. It could be once a week, monthly, bimonthly, doesn’t matter. Just make sure it’s on a regular basis.
5. Shared values. We can’t be friends if we don’t live by similar principles and morals. “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” If your values don’t match, it’s only a matter of time before you part ways. Life will inevitably pull you in different through the choices you make based on your values.

Comment below if you have anything you want to add to this list.

Until next time!

Kay