Diary of a NICU Mom

A few weeks ago I gave birth to my second child, a boy. My first pregnancy ended in an emergency C-section after being induced, so I decided that this time around I wanted to attempt a vaginal birth. I had prayed about the decision, and I was excited to experience birth the “natural” way. My husband was excited to have a son, and my 12-hour labor ended with a beautiful boy weighing 6.4 pounds. I was so relieved that I had come to the end of my journey and had successfully given birth vaginally. I felt so proud of myself and ecstatic about having a new baby. Little did I know that my journey wasn’t over yet, and that there were still more hurdles to jump over before I would finally be able to take him home.As soon as they laid my son on my abdomen I could see that his skin had a blue tinge. The nurses quickly took him to the station in the room where they clean off newborns and check their vital signs. My son didn’t cry. I strained my ears to hear him, but all I could hear was the nurses talking back and forth to each other as they tried to stimulate him. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard a feeble cry from the corner of the room where he was. I heard the nurses say that he needed oxygen. I don’t remember if they placed a mask over him or if it was tubes they placed in his nostrils, but after a few more minutes I heard them say that they couldn’t keep him with me because his breathing was still too fast and he would need to continue on oxygen. So they brought over my son for me to kiss one more time before whisking him upstairs to the NICU where he was treated for 10 days.

Those 10 days felt like a month. The doctors thought that his breathing would normalize in a couple of days and anticipated him being in the NICU no more than 7 days. But as day 7 approached and his breathing was still requiring him to be on a feeding tube, I began to get very anxious for him to get well and for us to go home. I had been staying in the hospital since getting discharged in a room that the hospital had set aside for NICU moms. During that time my days consisted of visits with my son in the NICU, pumping breastmilk for him, and updating my family and friends on his progress. When I wasn’t at the hospital I was taking quick trips home to spend time with my 18-month old daughter.

I can’t really describe how turbulent my emotions were during this time: I was hopeful and optimistic every time the doctors and nurses would update me with how much he had improved, then anxious as the days went by and the breathing issue hadn’t gone away completely. I would pray about the situation and experience peace, then feel frustrated later on when his temperature dropped suddenly and the nurses had to run tests and draw blood to make sure he hadn’t caught another infection. Sometimes I would sit in the hospital courtyard in the warm sun and daydream about the day we could finally take him home and my family could be whole again instead of having to be separated day and night. My eyes would tear up and my throat closed when I looked forward to being able to tuck in my daughter again and sleeping with my son next to me instead of in a sterile room with tubes attached to his mouth and nose in a room being cared for by doctors and nurses instead of his parents.

Looking back now though, I can honestly say that this experience is something that I can point to as a stepping stone in my life. The whole experience-enduring the pain of childbirth, the reward of giving birth to a child, the aftermath of dealing with the stresses of the NICU on myself and my family-they made me a stronger woman, and taught me some valuable lessons.

1. Expect the unexpected.  I’ll be the first to admit that uncertainty scares me, and that when unexpected things happen I tend to panic and become discouraged very easily. This situation showed me that no matter how much I plan and pray only God knows every intricate detail of the future. He won’t always let me in on those details. So bracing yourself mentally for surprises can help you cope more positively.

2. Your actions and words impact your mind. I found that when I spoke and acted opposite to my feelings-when I spoke optimistically about the situation to my friends and family instead of breaking down in tears or being frantic- I felt more at peace and hopeful about the whole situation. Being away from my husband and daughter didn’t feel as painful and lonely as before, and I felt grateful for the progress he was making every day instead of feeling frustrated about what wasn’t going right.

3. You’re stronger than you think. If someone had asked me a few months ago to predict my reaction in this situation, I would’ve guessed that I would have cried a lot, worried a lot, and would’ve had to rely on my family and friends a lot to help me cheer up and stay positive. But when it happened, even though I was tempted to do those things a lot, I had to keep making the choice not to give in to my emotions but to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And that’s a mindset I want to adopt from now on because it helped me stay level-headed and stay positive in the midst of seemingly negative circumstances.

Tune in next week for my birth story! Bye for now!