Part II, Reasons to Be Friends First

In my previous post I discussed why it’s so important to your relationship that you start off being friends first. That’s all well and good, but it’s always even more helpful to have practical strategies on how to do that, and what it looks like. So first I’m going to talk about things to avoid, or that may blur the lines between friendship and romance too early. Then I’ll discuss some things that are good to stand by as you develop your friendship.
1. NO PHYSICAL DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION!!! This is SOOO important. Why? Getting physical, whether it’s holding hands, a peck on the cheek, or hugging, has the potential to cause things to go from 0 to 100 in less than a minute. For both girls and guys, it can cloud your judgment and make you think the person is so wonderful and that you want to continue to pursue the relationship simply because you’ve connected physically. In addition to that, physical intimacy ALWAYS escalates. I don’t care how much self-control you think you have, our bodies are wired to go from stage to stage without stopping until you get to the ultimate act of sexual oneness. If you really want to get to know this person without any masks or distractions, avoid being in these situations. So many people think that physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are interchangeable, but they are not.
2. Don’t become prayer partners-yet. Ok, that might sound counterintuitive. Why shouldn’t I pray with this person if they’re potentially the one, or at least someone I’m going to become really good friends with? Shouldn’t God be at the center of our relationship? Of course He should! But first, He has to be the center of your life, especially at this point. In my personal, humble experiences, I’ve seen that becoming prayer partners too early can make a person think that the relationship is further along than it actually is. In other words, to the guys, you may just be saying grace before a meal, but to the girl, she may be thinking that the fact that you want to pray with her means you want to move forward and take your relationship to another level. “Wow, we pray together now! That means he’s REALLY serious about me! I’m gonna set up a meeting with my parents!” Hmmmm…..very awkward.

It’s definitely important to pray-even more so when you’re considering pursuing a relationship with someone. But you want to give God space and time to speak to you individually without any distractions to cloud your judgment and decisions. God is not the author of confusion, so if He wants the relationship to move forward, He will let you both know without you have to be praying together to do it.
3. Avoid one-on-one dates for now. You want to get to know who they are, what they’re like when they’re in their element-around friends and in their comfort zone. That’s when you get to see how they really talk, think, and act. When you’re around your friends it’s hard to be fake. They help bring out the best and worst in you don’t they? And so if you want your friendship to be real, you want to interact with one another authentically. One-on-one dates at this point, when you don’t really know each other well, won’t really be a good gauge for personality, because it’s so easy to keep the mask on in that kind of situation.

4. Talking on the phone late at night. If you want to keep things “just friendly,” then this is a no-no-a perfect way to blur the line between friendship and romance. When it’s late at night, you’re tired, a lot less guarded and less inhibited. You’re more likely to speak and act on your feelings, which can lead to compromising situations later on. So go to bed on time. You’ll respect one another more if boundaries are firmly in place. Plus, you’ll look forward to your conversations more.

What Can We Do Then?

Keep things open and non-intimidating. Do things that will allow you guys to have honest and engaging conversations. Here are a few suggestions:

• Attend a church conference or Bible study with a group of friends
• Go out to eat with a group of friends
• Go hiking or do some other kind of physical activity, like bowling or skating

You want to see the person when they’re serious as well as when they’re being goofy. So don’t restrict your time with the person to church activities
Remember, make sure you invite a group of people to keep things comfortable and fun. If there’s no chemistry, then you can still enjoy the outing and go your separate ways without too much awkwardness.
You may be wondering why I went through the trouble of specifying what to do and what not to do when you’re trying to be friends before you start a romantic relationship with someone. But you’d be surprised how complicated things can get when the lines start to get blurred too early. This is especially true for the ladies. We start to analyze every word, every gesture and facial expression that happens during an interaction for a clue, a sign, of whether the relationship is still a friendship or has become something more. Once we’re done doing that in our heads, we rehash all the details with our girlfriends to see if they come to the same conclusion. It can be very frustrating!
If you find yourself doing this more and more often, then maybe it’s time to take a step back re-establish the friendship boundaries by doing the things I’ve discussed. Because if there hasn’t been a conversation about moving things forward yet, and you’re going out on dates alone or holding hands, something is wrong. Either he is stringing you along or he needs to be reminded that you’re just friends right now, lol. The last thing you want is to assume that the relationship is moving forward, and invest emotionally and physically, only to find out later on that the other person does not want to make a commitment. No matter what, things always need to be clear for both people.

Hope this helps!