Now that we understand that submission is not a bad thing, let’s talk about what submission in a relationship should look like:
1. Submission is mutual. This is based on my experience in relationships (both with my husband and friends) as well as studying the Bible and looking at how God’s people related to one another. Ephesians 5 tells us to submit one to another. Each person needs to put themselves aside in order for the relationship to work.
2. Submit your own desires: the desire to be right, for the person to see things your way, your opinion-even if you think you’re right! As long as you stubbornly hold on to what you want, your issues will never get resolved because you’re looking at your relationship through the “It’s all about me” lens. This brings me to my next point. The only way to properly submit your own desires and point of view is to:
3. Submit to God first. Whenever issues arise in your relationship, instead of reacting emotionally, take it to the Lord in prayer. This might be a 10 second mind-break to pray for guidance on what to say next, or the right attitude. Or it might mean you going into the next room to be by yourself, calm down, and look at the situation from His point-of-view. And by His I mean God. This is the best way to figure out what you need to do. It allows us to see the other person not as an enemy or competition, but as our brother/sister in Christ. It helps us be aware that they have issues that they are dealing with personally that we need to be patient with.
4. Don’t be afraid to apologize first, or compromise. “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. (Matthew 5:23-24) Notice that in this situation that even if it’s your brother that has a problem with you, you should still be the one to make the first step. This is invaluable advice. So many times I’ve experienced positive results from this. When you come to the table with a humble, conciliatory attitude, the other person is a lot more inclined to do the same. Before you know it each of you will be insisting on doing what pleases the other in the situation where before you might have been about to strangle each other.
4. Submission does NOT mean you are surrendering your individuality. It means you are surrendering your “It’s all about me and what I think” world-view and taking the needs and concerns of the person as being just as important as your own. It means that you are moving from the old man, battling for self-satisfaction to the new man, created in Christ for good works, looking not to be served but to serve.
Keeping these principles in mind, if you find that you are giving 100 percent while your boyfriend/girlfriend is giving 0 percent on a consistent basis, or takes advantage of you, take a look at #3 again and see if this person should even be in your life. Sometimes we make our own choices and ask God to bless them but sometimes we put ourselves in needless situations as well.
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