What does the worst fight between you and your significant other look like? Do you give each other the cold shoulder for days, each one waiting for the other to come back begging? Or do you just blow up one minute and cool down in the next? Do you talk about the issues that started the fight and talk about what makes you guys tick? Is there a renewed commitment to do better each time?
Personally, I have a very vengeful temper. When I feel hurt, I want payback. I want you to hurt as much as I did. I want you to be as mad as I was. So when my now-husband and I were courting/dating and he ticked me off or hurt my feelings, my only thought was to hurt him just as much as he had hurt me. So I would say mean, vindictive things, and later just basically give him the silent treatment until he called me or came by to smooth things over and talk about our differences. It wasn’t until he had proposed and we started premarital counseling that I realized that my way of dealing with our issues was a poisonous cycle that could one day lead to divorce. You might think I’m over-emphasizing in order to make a point, but I’m not.You see, the fact is the way you handle conflict during your courtship/dating period will only be magnified once you’re married.
Many couples use sex as a way to reconnect when they’ve had periods of conflict, without stepping back and examining themselves and the origin of the issues they’ve been having. That’s how my parents were. They would give each other the silent treatment, and if it was really bad one of them would sleep in one of our rooms, and the atmosphere in the house was bleak. After a few days they would start talking again, and sleeping in the same room. The problem with that approach is, the real issues never get dealt with and end up re-surfacing in the future.
Another way conflict gets dealt with is with huge, vicious blow-up arguments that, for some couples, sometimes gets violent. Hurtful things are said, either by one or both people, and the poison of malice enters the relationship. You see, the thing about relationships is that even though offenses are forgiven, the vestiges of the memories of things said in anger always remain, and more often then not lead to bitterness,which leads to resentment, which in turn just kills the affection that was there in the beginning; this is because your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse has now internalized those images, words, and feelings into their psyche. You put them in a position to doubt your love because they’ve experienced your capability to hurt them. That’s why the Bible cautions us against speaking in anger or haste. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof” Prov. 18:21. It takes much prayer to be able to let go of the wounds that others cause us; imagine if those wounds are caused by the one person that should understand and care for you above everyone else. It’s just hard to get over.
I’m not saying that God cannot heal the wounds we’ve caused each other in our relationships; what I am saying is, once the cycle begins and those habits become ingrained, it’s extremely difficult to stop it and begin a more positive cycle of conflict resolution. When you feel hurt or angry, it’s easy to throw reason out the window and lash out. But we have to remind ourselves that our boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is not the enemy; the enemy (Satan) is the enemy. He would love nothing better than to deface the image of God in your relationship by bringing about division and confusion.
So, the next time your man/woman ticks you off, try to step back and think logically, instead of letting your emotions decide what you say or do next. It won’t be easy at first, but the more you practice, before you know it, it will become a habit that strengthens your relationship instead of slowly destroying it.
Prov31lady4life 