5 Cs for a Successful Marriage

I promised on my last post to write more on what I learned from David Asscherick’s seminar.  He discussed 5 factors for a successful, godly marriage, but the first two will be my focus for this post:

1. Conversion

2. Commitment

3. Compassion

4. Compromise

5. Communication

The first point is so important because it is the first determinant of whether your marriage will succeed or fail.  Two totally converted people CANNOT get a divorce.  To me (and David Asscherick) it is impossible for two people who are totally committed to God and obey Him in everything to walk away from their marriage.  If either one of them does, then their conversion is/should be questioned.  Not for the sake of condemning them, but to help them see the error of their ways and restore them. Questions to ask are: How much time did I spend today, yesterday, last week in prayer and Bible study (individually and with my spouse)? How much time do we spend in active ministry (reaching out to people in your community to share the love of God with them)? A lot of people spend time in church and have church positions but are not really actively involved in seeking the lost.  To me, the aspect of active ministry helps spouses to focus on what’s really important in life.  Acquiring money and possessions has made many people self-centered and selfish, which affects the way they treat their spouse.   A marriage whose participants are focused on paying bills and money will soon lose sight of God, who is the only person who can keep the marriage together.  There have been many times when my husband and I have had to step back and re-evaluate our focus.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the week and  not make time for the important things.  He’s in school and I work and we both have so much to do, but at the end of the week we have the Sabbath rest to look forward to.  We don’t spend the day sleeping or lounging around but we go out into the community and spend time with people who need people to encourage them and show them the love of God. It’s not always something that we FEEL like doing but by the end of it I feel so fulfilled and at peace.  I feel like life’s problems aren’t so serious.  Colossians 3:3 says that we should set our minds on things above, not on things on the earth and a daily recommitment to God helps us to keep the focus of our marriages on Him and not on ourselves or things we don’t like about our spouse. And if we are truly committed to God we will be willing to change whatever habits or attitudes we have that are harmful to ourselves our wives/husbands.

Committment: A marathon is run first between the ears.  So if you put in your mind that would will just see how it goes, you will not finish the race.  The same holds true for a marriage.  If divorce is an option, then all it takes is circumstances that are bad enough and you will walk away. If divorce is not an option, then you will do whatever it takes to save your marriage.  This is SO TRUE!!!! And it makes me think that if we live by this principle then we will be even more careful when we’re getting to know our potential spouse to make sure that we are both converted!

I personally struggled with this even when my husband and I were courting.  Because I grew up in a home where my parents had a rocky marriage, I always vowed that I would not stay with a man who (insert whatever I thought I would not tolerate in a man)…so when my husband and I were courting and a conflict came up, I was ready to leave him and give up on the relationship. There were things that I saw in him that made me afraid that our marriage would fail if we got married. It was a constant issue in our relationship.  I had a talk with a good friend of mine and she told me something that helped me get over that hurdle and that I will never forget: The question to ask is whether or not he is willing to allow God to change him.  If your spouse is willing to change then the obstacle is one that you can overcome together.  The key is to remember that they CANNOT CHANGE THEMSELVES.  I’m sure if my husband had a choice he would zap away traits of his personality/character that hurt or offend me. I would do the same.  But the truth is that lifetime habits are not broken in a day, a week, and sometimes not even a year.  It takes a constant surrender and they might fall at any time. That’s why it’s so important to keep our spouses in prayer and also pray for God to give us an unconditional love in our heart for our spouse. My husband has to remind me of this sometimes because I can get really ornate about the things about him that drive me crazy.  Being in a relationship made me see how impatient I am with the faults of others.  But everyone needs grace.

I said all that to make this point: Marriage is a marathon, and as long as both people are committed to God, then they should be committed to each other.  There is no hereditary or cultivated habit of mind or character that God cannot change.  There isn’t a thing wrong with us that He can’t fix.  So we should FIGHT for our marriages!

I know that there are really tough circumstances where a person might feel like they HAVE to walk away, such as physical abuse, incest, repeated affairs, etc.  I cannot even begin to imagine what that’s like.  So please post your comments/reactions to this and let me know what your experiences have been.  We can all learn from one another. Till next time!