Have you ever gone somewhere, say to the laundromat, the mall -or like my husband did-at church vespers (major side eye lol) and felt someone’s stare? Only to have them approach you later to ask for your number, or give you theirs? Ladies, I KNOW you know what I’m talking about…….I have a question. How many of those instances ever resulted in a real relationship? Personally, that approach has always been a pet peeve of mine when it came to guys, especially Christian guys. I understand using that strategy for someone who’s just looking for a one-night stand or a no-strings attached relationship, but it just seems very backwards to do it when you’re looking for a serious relationship.
I’m a very strong believer in being friends with someone before expressing romantic interest.
Fellas, I know a lot of you like to tell the girl that God told you in a dream that she was meant to be your wife on the very first date, but please proceed with caution. Take things VERY slowly, because in the end, you’ll be glad that you took your time to get to know your lady and all of her idiosyncrasies, her weirdness BEFORE you took that step into courtship. Here’s why:
1. Friendship builds trust. You want your interactions with each other to be so comfortable that both of you feel safe enough to share intimate thoughts and feelings with one another. You want to be able to do that without worrying if what you reveal will cause the other person to look at you differently. I know that not every relationship starts off as a friendship that is completely devoid of attraction or romantic interest, but before you start holding hands and gazing at the stars, invest your time and efforts in engaging in open conversations about things that are important to you: your faith, your goals and dreams, your pet peeves, etc. It’s easier to have these conversations when you have a genuine friendship because you don’t have to guess at what the person really means, or if they’re just putting on a facade because they want to appear more attractive to you. In other words, being friends first allows you to be real with one another.
2. Friendship builds unity. When you’re familiar with the other person’s likes and dislikes, what drives them, and what brings them pain, it becomes easier for the two people to be on the same page. Even if you don’t agree on certain things, the fact that you’ve made a habit of talking about everything paves the way for eventual resolution to whatever conflicts you face. In addition to that, it also becomes easier for you to look at things from their perspective because you are familiar with the way they communicate; you’re more likely to be able to predict and understand how your friend processes things emotionally
3. Friendship keeps things fresh. When you genuinely enjoy each other’s company, there’s always something to talk about, whether it’s a disappointment that you had at work, a joke to share, there’s no need to go out in order to have fun. Silences and evenings at home aren’t awkward and stilted, because you both enjoy just being with each other.
One of the things I’m always thankful for is that Jonathan and I were friends before we courted. And to be completely honest, I shot him down the first time he approached me, because he did it the way I described in the beginning of this post. He saw me at a church function and asked me for my number afterwards. But nothing came of his attempts at calling me or coming to my church a couple of weeks later. I knew nothing about him and didn’t feel comfortable letting a stranger into my life. So nothing happened.
A year or so later, we started getting to know each other through mutual friends. He had just come out of a relationship and wanted nothing to do with anything of the sort. He invited me to a Bible study group that he had been attending and really enjoyed, and I went. From there, we would talked for a couple of hours about what we had learned from the study, questions we had, thoughts we had about God and life in general. I think those conversations really allowed us to open up to each other without any ulterior motives or self-consciousness.
For the first time, I felt free to share my innermost thoughts with a guy. I didn’t feel shy about what I was thinking or feeling, I wasn’t worried about what I was wearing, or how I looked. I was free to be myself. This was my friend I was talking to.
Eventually, he did let me know that he was interested in me. Even though I didn’t share those feelings at first, he didn’t allow that to make our interactions awkward. If I didn’t know better I would’ve thought that I dreamed up the conversation. That’s how comfortable it was for me. And it’s still like that with us to this day. We’ve been married for almost 5 years and have a daughter now, and I’m happy to say he’s still my best friend, and I’m his. We talk about everything, laugh and play around with each other. That’s the example that I want our children to see and be able to have in their own lives.
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